To be completely honest, I have never been so excited and nervous for anything in my life. And that's really saying something considering I get really excited and nervous about quite a few things - like cooking dinner, for example. I know that if I work towards it, I will become more like my Father in Heaven and His Son, Jesus Christ. And that is my goal in life; to become as Christlike as possible.
Most people would think that I'm crazy for giving up a year and a half of my life to go teach and serve the people of Tucson. I'm nineteen years old, a sophomore in a college that I love, with plenty of time to grow up. So why now? Why would I choose to leave all of this behind? To be away from most forms of communication with those whom I love most for such a long time? Well..
I have grown up in this church. I was baptized on my eighth birthday. I went to church nearly every Sunday. I didn't really have a testimony of my own, but I believed Jesus loved me, and that I wanted to be with my family forever. I lived in Japan from when I was five until I was eight, and my family moved back to Texas. I was a little bit of an outcast when I got home. I was the weird girl who sang to myself at recess, and had a bit of an attitude. I made a few friends in church, though, and by sixth grade I was as normal as any twelve year old can be.
When I was fourteen, the winds started really blowing. I was going through some really hard times, and just felt abandoned by everyone. My family, however, stuck by my side. My little sister became my best friend. My mother became my protector. But I was slipping. I didn't want to go to church anymore, because I felt like I didn't fit in. But I still attended every week, hoping that I would have some epiphany that it was all true. That God did love me, because just believing wasn't going to be enough for me. I had to know for myself. But I wasn't willing to put in the effort to find out. I wanted the answers handed to me.
I struggled for three years. I was too stubborn and too proud to just get down on my knees and ask God, "who giveth to all men liberally", whether or not He existed. I was afraid to hear the answer. Whether that was because I had become comfortable in my uncertainty, or if it was because I didn't want to change, I'm still not sure. But finally things got so bad that I HAD to know. There was no way around it.
I was at a church camp, and for the first time in three years, I honestly prayed from the bottom of my heart. My soul ached, and I just let everything out. I told God that if I didn't receive an answer, I wasn't going to go back to church. I prayed for thirty minutes, and afterwards, I waited for an answer. I stayed on my knees for forty-five minutes, expecting some huge revelation. I felt nothing. I got tired and angry and heartbroken. So I just gave up and went to bed.
The next morning I woke up with the distinct thought "Alma 32:27". I wasn't sure why this scripture popped into my head, given the fact that I had never read the Book of Mormon before. At this camp, every morning, we get some time to read our scriptures and reflect. So that's what I did. I looked up Alma 32:27. It read:
"behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words."I had never felt anything hit me so hard. I couldn't deny the feeling of peace I felt as I knew God existed, and not only that, He heard my prayer and cared enough about me to answer it personally. I knew that changing my life and my attitude towards life would be worth the while. I made a promise to myself that day that I would do everything God asked me to do. Which brings me to the next summer..
My family participates in the Hill Cumorah Pageant every summer. It is the spectacular play in Palmyra, New York, about the Book of Mormon. We break into age groups for the free time that we aren't in rehearsal. One day my group leaders took us up to the top of the hill, and blindfolded us. They played soft music about Christ, and passed around items that represented Him. We were up there for awhile so we could have some time to reflect. This thought popped into my head. "You need to prepare to serve a mission."What?!
Okay, don't get me wrong. But at the time, sister missionaries couldn't go out on their missions until they were twenty-one. And Mormons get married pretty young, so when everyone had told me my entire life that I would probably serve a mission one day, I was a little offended. Like, GREAT. Thanks for thinking I'll never get married. Y'all are awesome. Why don't I just become a nun instead?!
But having made that promise, I thought, "I mean.. Okay. That's three years from now. But I guess.. I'll.. read my scriptures more?" I told my mom my intentions of serving a mission, and she just laughed at me. She said, "Hahaha, alright if you can make it that long without getting married, we can talk about it.."
Then last October a HUGE announcement was made at the annual conference. Women were now able to serve missions at the age of nineteen! *GULP* I knew in my heart that was why I was told that I needed to start preparing, so I prayed. Everything made sense to me. I needed to go on a mission, as soon as possible.
The reason why I am sacrificing a year and a half of my youth to serve the people of Tucson, Arizona, is simply because I know God is real. I know this church is the true church of God. I want others to feel the peace I feel, with the knowledge that I have. I want to share the blessings of having an eternal family with everyone, because that is the biggest blessing in my life. I want to show God how much I love him by obeying Him. I cannot deny that my Heavenly Father told me that I need to be serving this mission. And that is reason enough for me to "give up" a year and a half of my time. But when I think about it, serving a mission isn't giving anything up at all; it will help me grow exponentially, and I know my family and I will be blessed. I know my very own testimony will be strengthened. I'm grateful for this opportunity to serve, and even more grateful for my families support in doing so.
See y'all in a year and a half! Until then, I will be emailing my mom once a week, and she will be updating this blog.
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